JORDAN D'OLIER

About the Exhibit

Jordan D'Olier — known to his people simply as JGoatt — is a guitar-playing, dog-walking, tank-locking, Elderflower-Mint-sipping fixture of this friend group who has somehow been putting up with all of us for well over a decade. He currently manages vendors for Amazon in a Senior capacity, which we're told is a real and important job, though none of us fully understand what it entails.

By December he'll add "Dad" to that resume, which is either the funniest or most terrifying development in JGoatt lore to date. This site exists to document the legend before he gets too responsible to be roasted properly.

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Fig. 1–3 — undated, believed to be Bird-a-Palooza

Amanda

Amanda D'Olier — the person who looked at all of this (the guitar, the Bud Light Lime, the tank-locking, the Santa-hat performances) and said yes anyway, on a snowy Tahoe beach, lanterns in hand. She's earned this friend group's eternal respect for that decision alone, and is currently carrying the December addition to the archive.

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Rosie

A Golden Retriever, and by all accounts, the most emotionally stable member of the household. Rosie accompanies Jordan on the long walks that keep him sane, functional, and marginally more tolerable. She has never once complained about his music taste.

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Chester

The cat. Male, judgmental, correct to be so. Chester's exact opinion of Jordan is unknown but presumed to be neutral-to-mildly-tolerant, which is about as much affection as any cat is contractually obligated to provide. He does, however, clean up nicely for formal occasions, and has been known to nap on command.

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The Duo, in Motion

Rare footage of Rosie and Chester coexisting peacefully, submitted to the archive as proof that interspecies diplomacy is alive and well in the D'Olier household.

The Drink Cabinet

Jordan's beverage philosophy is, charitably, a work in progress. On one end of the spectrum: Bud Light Lime, consumed fully — we are assured — ironically. On the other: an ongoing, sincere devotion to Trip, specifically the Elderflower Mint, which has fully taken over the fridge.

Salty Crew

Jordan's closet has developed a strong, sincere allegiance to Salty Crew — the brand practically counts as a personality trait at this point. Expect the logo to make an appearance in at least one photo per calendar month.

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Turns out there's also a Salty Crew beer — coincidence? We choose to believe not.

Heroes of the Storm

Jordan mains the tank role, which tracks — someone has to absorb the damage for the rest of the friend group. His rotation runs through Diablo, Stitches, and Mei, a lineup that suggests a man who enjoys either hooking people into position or freezing them solid. Possibly both, depending on the night. He queues under the banner of the Opihimen, the clan tag this friend group has carried into battle for years. Eleven years, 9,239 games, and 5,245 wins in, the man has earned his tank card.

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Receipts — 130,453 career takedowns and counting, most of them as Diablo (level 127, 705 games)

Guitar

Yes, he plays. Yes, he will mention it. From beachside sunset sessions to a fully committed Santa-hat-and-tinsel performance, JGoatt has never once turned down an opportunity to pick up a guitar in front of people.

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The TED Talk

At some point, JGoatt stood on an actual TED stage and delivered an actual TED talk. We remain equal parts proud and unsurprised. Watch it, then bring it up around him unprompted for maximum effect.

Senior Vendor Manager, Amazon

The corporate side of the archive. Jordan handles vendor relationships at Amazon in a role that sounds important because it is. Full credentials, endorsements, and a suspiciously professional headshot available on LinkedIn.